Tuesday, January 4, 2011

it's all my fault

Remember the post dedicated to Reagan and her poo problems? Well, the results came back today. And her problem is my fault. It turns out that Reagan's poor body isn't able to process lactose right now. That's not to say that she is for-sure lactose-intolerant; time will tell for that. But for right now, her body is lacking the enzyme to process lactose.

Sure, most may say that's not a big deal. Sure, for most it's not. But when my solution to her whole poo issue was to nurse her more to make sure that she was getting enough calories, then it becomes a big deal. I learned today that the only real source of lactose in Reagan's diet currently is breast milk, so the six times a day I was nursing her was just hurting her six times a day. The solution? I have to stop nursing her and start her on a special lactose-free formula. Her pediatrician recommended pumping and storing the milk in case there was the chance I could use it later but with her being so close to a year old, I'm taking this as my cue to bow out of nursing gracefully.

I really have a lot of crazy emotions about this right now. I feel absolutely horrible for hurting her for the past month. I know I didn't do it intentionally and I shouldn't blame myself; my head understands that. But my heart aches for my poor girl. Every time she was in pain, what I considered hunger pains, I was hurting her and now that hurts me. I'm also really sad about being done with nursing. Sometimes it was really rough: all of the late night feedings, the times when I was super sore, the times when I felt like I couldn't go anywhere because I had to feed her. Now that I'm abruptly done, I miss the good times: the times when it was just her and I, the times when she would smile at me with her big milky grin, the times when she would fall asleep while nursing and just snuggle into me.

The hardest part is now realizing she really isn't my peanut baby anymore. With Reagan turning one in a few weeks, she really is turning into a little toddler. This is just one more part of her infant life that I have to let go of and I really don't feel like I'm ready for it yet. I feel like I'm having to let go of her baby time without getting the chance to say a proper good-bye. I know this sounds absolutely crazy. I get that. But I'm going to miss that special bond with my girl and I don't feel ready to let it go yet.

Such is life.

3 comments:

Tara said...

Oh what a bummer! That's so hard. :( Is cutting dairy products out of your diet an option at all?

I had a more abrupt experience with Shea than I would have liked. Since I got pregnant with Maya when she was 9 months old (surprise!) that really affected my supply and she was totally done by 13 months. Which is fine... it was just hard to deal with since I knew it was stopped short because of what my body was doing.

How awesome that you have made it almost a year, though!! :)

Jessi said...

Eek! My SIL went through the same thing with Jackson, the poo, and he would be doubled over in pain.

I've been trying to brainstorm how you can give this milestone a proper goodbye, but I've got nothing. But the options in my head were kind of funny. :)

Julia said...

Aww, I feel with you - having a "baby" boy who is 10 months old. I had to stop breast feeding after 4 months for other medical reasons and it is hard to let go. But life will become easier and you will have more time to do other, more fun things with your little one!! I told myself from the day I gave birth that it is a good-bye by installments and that's how I cope with it.

Cutting dairy product won't help, unfortunately. Milk always contains lactose (cows only eat grass!). I am lactose intolerant myself, but my milk was fine for my boy. ;-)

So don't feel bad or guilty. You now know the problem and things will get better! Enjoy the precious time with her...