Tuesday, January 4, 2011

wearing out

I think the shock of the past few days is starting to wear off and I'm feeling like the hard reality of what has transpired is really starting to hit me. I've really tried to remain positive, keep the brave face, but its getting harder and harder to be like that. Between Randy's current situation and Reagan, I feel like I'm unraveling. The lack of sleep and such great concern for those that I love most is starting to take its toll.

My brother is making improvements, but he's still in a coma. A coma. It just didn't seem real until today. His whole body is swollen and puffy because his kidneys can't process the fluids being pumped into his body quickly enough. My poor sweet brother is in a coma. That sentence just seems to keep repeating in my head and its finally now starting to stick.

Tonight after returning from the hospital, I held a screaming Reagan who was obviously hungry, but I wasn't able to give her what she wanted. As I struggled to feed her a bottle, which she absolutely refuses, she kept turning in to eat what she is used to and finds comfort in. My chest was literally aching, and as I sat there crying along with her, I felt like I was failing my poor daughter.

Its probably the serious lack of sleep talking, but I could use some serious brightness at the end of this tunnel I seem to be stuck in this week.


tabby said...

You are an amazing mother! Remember you can only work with what you are given... sometimes it's not such a great hand but after the deck gets shuffled a little, things start to fall into place. Love ya Katie!

Justin said...

It really isn't fair that these things are happening to you. I pray that your brother can fight through this and get back to normal. We all have you in our prayers.


Justin said...

Sorry I saw that it is your cousin...For some reason I thought brother.

Belinda Berling said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I agree with Tabby though. Crying can definitely be therapeutic! Sometimes, we all just need a good cry to let everything out. Don't feel bad for crying.